The woman in the Turner case who by the jury's decision was sexually assaulted, has chosen to remain anonymous, according to a video statement posted by The Washington Post, June 7-8, 2016, because she claims to “represent every woman”. Her anonymity is, according to her statement, “the beauty of it”.
I find this statement appalling.
Why? Because, as a survivor of two sexual molestations as a child and a semester-long stalking that resulted in physical assault at the UCLA campus in the 70’s, Emily Doe cannot possibly represent me.
When I attended UCLA I was a young single mother. I was not drunk or under the influence of any drug. I was not at a party. I was stalked by two black men for months during the day and I was assaulted at 7:30 in the morning. Several students walked by and did nothing although I was crying for help. I remember these potential heroes were wearing Lettermen jackets as one of the men beat me. The two stalkers left when one of them realized that although no one stopped to help me, I was nevertheless drawing too much attention. It wasn’t until after they ran off that a young man helped me get up off the ground and asked what had happened. He was not a witness to my assault. I had no witnesses as they had all walked on by.
This young man walked me to the campus police where the detective in charge had me look through mug shots to see if I could identify the perpetrators. I could. It turns out there were several foreign exchange students who had been raped by these men but because of the culture of shame refused to press charges. I did press charges but they were later reduced to “Disturbing the Peace” as I was not ‘significantly harmed’. The detective said this was better than nothing.
I was molested by ‘a friend of the family’ at age 9. I was molested by my best friend’s father in the middle of the night at age 16 while asleep in the same room as she. Neither of these men were charged with a crime as I told no one. I was ashamed. I also felt lucky that I had escaped worse things that I later learned had happened to other family members. I was not repeatedly molested because I learned to watch my back, to stay alert, to not put myself in any situation where I could make myself vulnerable to predators. I learned to empower myself by taking responsibility for my own safety. I learned how to protect my natural vulnerability as a woman by not putting my self at risk.
So here’s why Emily Doe does not speak for me.
After reading her letter, I have come to the conclusion that she feels no shame. Her reason for anonymity does not even come close to comparing to mine. She has an inflated opinion of herself as the voice of all women.
She has no memory of her experience because she was incredibly drunk by her own volition. I remember every detail of mine. A woman feels deep shame in her body when she has been violated. The shame should not, does not belong to her. But a woman who has been sexually assaulted feels it.
Emily Doe complains about the arduous court proceedings. She is upset that Turner did not settle out of court. She apparently hoped for a monetary settlement. A woman who has been raped or molested rarely gets to settle for anything - except the long, long struggle to regain self-love and self-respect.
Emily Doe says she can’t sleep alone. She has a boyfriend who is willing to sleep by her side. A woman who has been raped or molested often has to sleep alone. Her shame prevents her from enjoying what many take for granted. She believes she does not deserve better. She does not want to be touched and yet she wants more than anything to be touched. She wants more than anything to be able to forget. It takes her years and years, if ever, to heal.
In my opinion, Emily Doe can’t sleep alone because she is literally and symbolically in the dark. She is in dark about her own actions and decision while in a drunken stupor. She has no idea what she did or didn’t consent to. She is afraid she may have gone along with it, or she may not have. She does’t know. If Turner could only apologize and admit he did violate her then she could be sure. But she is angry because he doesn’t. She is angry he has some supporters. Yet she makes no mention of her own decision to drink to the point where she cannot remember and probably never will. She makes no mention of her own self-victimization.
But she has a choice of what to believe.
And she has chosen to believe she need not be concerned with her own actions. She has chosen to believe that somehow someone else who is also drunk should have known better. She has chosen to believe that even if she does say yes, a drunk man should know she means no. She chooses to believe, and so do her supporters, that she has no responsibility to honor herself through the choices she makes. She is entitled to behave in a socially irresponsible way and suffer no consequences. By choosing to believe think this way she continues the pattern of self-victimization.
But what if she had driven a car in that state and hurt herself? Her inebriated state would not have served as her defense. Just as Turner’s drunken state does not excuse him.
I am appalled at the culture of violence against women. But isn’t it time young women take responsibility for honoring themselves in ways that reflect a modicum of dignity and realistic accountability for their own well being and safety? The court documents state that being drunk is like a weapon to a predator because he will not have to restrain or beat a victim. Isn’t it time women understand that being drunk is like turning a weapon against yourself? A way to unwittingly become a potential victim?
As a woman I am also appalled at the culture of promiscuity and drinking that is so flagrantly marketed through ads, popular music, and film. Why do young women subscribe to this objectification of their bodies? Why do they attempt to walk in 4 and 5 inch heels that deform their spines and pelvises and
make them all the more vulnerable should they ever be in a situation that demands they run for their lives?
Emily Doe does not speak for me because she is too immature and ignorant to have yet earned that right. Emily Doe is not every woman. There is no beauty, Emily Doe, in your anonymity, only another example of the culture of entitlement and narcissism so prevalent today.
In the current political climate, my opinion will most likely be discounted as “blaming the victim”. I am fully aware of that rationale as I been educated and received an MA from a very liberal private college. But I refuse to remain silenced by that possibility. And I refuse to remain anonymous because I do not presume to speak for anyone but myself.
