Priestess of the Void

I meditate on synchronicity. And if the synchronicity involves a word, all the better. This weekend was not exception. The word was Void.

I was researching the obsolete constellation of Cerberus. Why, you might ask? Simply because the three headed dog was my previous synchronicity. The search was somewhat futile as very little is written about this constellation. No significant stars, no known reason for it's origin nor it's demise. Yet the word Void appeared like a star in it's own right in the deep sky of my mind. This was the first of the synchronicities.

I recalled my first experience with "The Void". I was a young mother on my second round of meditation studies, my first having been as a teen in the 60's. I was sitting cross-legged on a blanket on the old hardwood floor of my living room, the babies down for a nap. I had been practicing meditation for a few months. Just emptying my mind and going deep within. On this late spring morning I closed my eyes and looked at the dark inside of my lids. My consciousness dropped as if I had been in an elevator. But the ride didn't go down incrementally...one floor down...next floor down...ding, ding, ding with every level down. The sensation was one of falling at an incredible speed and down a blackness that seemed to pull me towards nothing but oblivion.

The experience couldn't have lasted more that a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. I was terrified. I was horrified. I had only one context for the experience - Hell!

A few years before I had attended a couple of charismatic Christian churches. After studying with them for a while I decided their laws and restrictions didn't make sense and went back to meditation based on no particular philosophy or tradition. Just me picking up where I had left off - checking out the frontier of consciousness and the mind.

When I experienced that darkness...that falling, falling sensation...that insurmountable fear, my default setting was "This is bad! This is wrong! This is the devil's work." And I stopped meditating. I trashed any books that were unsanctioned by the churches and attempted to live as a good  fundamentalist Christian wife. That was it's own kind of Void...but that's another story.

It's been over thirty years since I had that experience, and I have not felt it again. And neither have I attempted to meditate in that way. I learned something of how really intense and dangerous the mysterious, the esoteric, the unknown can be for the dilettante and uninitiated. But my curiosity has not deserted me. I've learned to creep up on the Void from different angles. I get close to the edge, but always far enough to not get sucked in by the vortex.

All this to say that this time the Void didn't come during meditation. It came instead as a familiar pattern of pain and rejection from my narcissistic father... a terrifying sensation in it's own right. But this is not about father bashing. Instead, I've finally come to the realization that the Void I experience
will never be filled by him. And this realization came across from this line by Emily Carding from her Tarot of the Sidhe:

"I give wholly to the Void, to be holy in The World."

The sentence struck me like lightning. I understood it immediately as this - if I want to stop the fear and terror of falling I need to give myself over to the acceptance of it, whatever 'it' is. Not as a helpless victim, but as a powerful creator of my own experience. 

With this understanding I looked at what benefit I have gained from the experience of falling for the naive idea that this time the narcissist will be different. This time he will hug me and hold me and tell me how much he loves me. This time he will apologize for all the ways he hurt me. I know logically none of this is going to happen, but the little girl's heart is always full of hopeful innocence. And as far as my relationship with my father is concerned I have stayed a child.

Until now...

This weekend I accepted the terms of endearment. I gave myself wholly to the Void. I fell fearlessly into dark feathered arms and landed in a world were the perspective is upside down...the sky is below and the trees grow above me...and suddenly it all makes sense. I hang myself up on the relationship because I am growing my Soul. I am cultivating balance and temperance. I am learning to pick myself up, spread my wings, and fly. 

All these years I have been falling. Time after time I'd fall into the trap and cry. I'd find comfort in the people who love me in a way that lifts me up again. And now I get up on my own. This was the second synchronicity.

The third was this:

"Priestess of the Void"

The words represent the first lesson from an on-line course by Renee Starr. Consecration follows initiation. It feels una-void-able and perfectly timed.

Freya's Necklace

Everyday I go on a Medicine Walk. I call it that because I usually walk alone and use the time to practice walking meditation, or listen to talks regarding things of a spiritual nature. During my walks something seemingly inconsequential, but extraordinary nevertheless, usually happens and today was no exception.

I walked listening to a talk regarding the Goddess Freya. I was surprised to learn of this story regarding the Norse Goddess of Love and War about a gold and amber necklace she considered her most beautiful possession. This necklace was a piece made by four dwarves that she paid for by granting each a day and night solely in her company. To acquire it Freya had to leave Valhalla and travel to Earth, her childhood home, across the Rainbow Bridge that spans the two realms. The acquisition speaks of a return to her origins and the reclamation of the source of Freya's power and magic. For this reason the necklace was later stolen by one of the other god's of the Norse pantheon and Freya had to go to war to retrieve it.

As I listened to the speaker recount how she had re-enacted this story in Sacred Drama and Ceremony, I suddenly recalled a necklace that I just recently put away because it had become a poignant reminder of loss. My necklace is not amber, but it is made of chestnut and amber colored stones. The speaker described how she had participants take apart a necklace that no longer served to remind them of love, and then reassemble the necklace in a way that symbolized their coming through an experience transformed. 

As I continued to walk deep in thought, I tried to imagine taking apart my necklace and redesigning it but, in my imagination, it refused to come apart. It was precisely at that moment that the ordinary became the extraordinary.

In my mind's eye, Freya appeared and surprised me by saying, "You earned the necklace, dear one, and paid the price. Now look to the sky for the symbol of transformation you seek."

In the twilight, the last light of the setting sun still brightened the mountains. On this cool and breezy autumn day a Hawk drifted across the sky tilting it's body one way then another. The movement showed first the amber colored underbelly, then, as it tilted the other way, it's sepia wings shone like burnished gold. The Hawk's tail blazed red like a flame fanned by a sudden gust of wind. 

I stopped walking awed by the beauty of this messenger and gazed through moist eyes as the Hawk slipped further away towards the mountains. In that instant I felt transformed. The thought of the necklace no longer evoked a sense of loss but of appreciation for the hours of dedication I had given in service through embodying the teachings of the Sacred Feminine. The Hawk, one of my Medicine Animals, reminds me that I am not alone as I continue forth along the Spiral Path reclaiming the freedom to fully own the power of the inner wisdom that is my birthright. 

It is said that Freya is a Goddess who loves to come unbidden. I thank Her for gracing me me today with the magic of love and healing.

El Susto y El Resguardo (Soul Trauma & the Mantle of Protection)

Dear kind-hearted and courageous ones,

Most words seem inadequate in light of the most traumatic events, but we must speak them anyway.

Susto, or trauma to the Soul, does not usually respond quickly to healing.  The signs of susto are: terror, horror, rage, hatred, intolerance, psychosis, chronic depression, despair, coma, suicide. When trauma is experienced without access to Sanctuary, the frightened Soul is left without boundaries. The Soul remains exposed to continuous wounding, and wary with vigilance, despairs of wholeness. Endlessly seeking solace, the traumatic events replay themselves over and over in the mind, increasing the likelihood of more trauma, either through outer events, or by internalizing the attitudes and methods - the ethos - of the perpetrator.

We are often unable to predict or control the erratic, irrational, inhumane behaviors of people overcome by susto.  But we can prevent susto from overcoming our own Souls by practicing Resguardo - applying the healing balm of the Mantle of Protection as often as needed.

Dear ones, protection for our Souls is afforded us through the warding off of the signs of susto listed above. It is through doing what is necessary to keep our Souls from falling into the bottomless pit of ineffective attitudes and policies that call for annihilation or destruction of that which is incomprehensible. I unequivocally support the containment of that which threatens to destroy the innocent, but at the same we must recognize and contain within ourselves that which is not in service to Love. If justice deems death is warranted, if it is determined that Souls would benefit by depriving them of their corporeal humanity, I pray, without judgment and with a heart full of compassion, for Mercy and Grace for us all, for this is the kind of justice the violent practice.

I believe we are here to learn together. I believe we are able to transmute the destructive energy unleashed throughout our Beloved Earth on a daily basis through our ability to commune with the best our humanity has to offer. Be that through simple, gentle words and acts of patience, kindness, generosity, friendliness, quiet optimism, or serenity towards ourselves, towards loved ones, but most importantly, and this is extremely difficult, towards that which we consider 'other' - those unacceptably different from ourselves - and through practicing these qualities in solitary reflection strengthening our ability to release their Light into the world as Presence.

Acts of terrorism are despicable. And so are many other acts that occur on a daily basis. People who resort to violence of any kind violate the Sacred Vow of Souls - to treat others as you would have others treat you. They exhibit an uncanny ability to target with precise accuracy anyone who is susceptible to susto and prey on this estrangement with furious relish. I urge those of us who are on the fence about how to deal with such heinous acts to first seek Resguardo for your own Soul.

Healing is imminent.

In the words of my teacher don Oscar Miro Quesada: "We are the Mantle of Protection". The more of us who can understand the power of this truth, the wider, the thicker, the more comfort the Mantle can spread over the bent shoulders of the bereft. Today, and everyday, I place my humble offering of Resguardo on the hearth of the broken hearted.